TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN LIFE

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN LIFE

But I am convinced that most of us do not really understand what that means.
To most of us “independent” people, it has meant that we should get a job, earn enough money to support ourselves, and not depend on anyone else for our survival. That may or may not be part of it (I know many “dependent” people who understand the secret of taking responsibility for their experience of life), but it certainly doesn’t hit the heart of the issue, which is much bigger, yet more invisible, than that. 

What is the exactly take responsibility means here are some meaning with examples 

1.> Taking responsibility means never blaming anyone else for anything you are being, doing, having, or feeling. “Never?” you say. “But this time it really is his fault” (or her fault, or the boss’s fault, or my son’s fault, or the economy’s fault, or my mother’s fault, or my father’s fault, or my friend’s
fault!). “Really, it is!” If I missed anyone or anything, just add
it to the list. Until you fully understand that you, and no one else, create what goes on in your head, you will never be in control of your life. Here are a few scenarios I’ve heard in my classes and the questions these individuals had to ask themselves before they were able to move to a more powerful place. for Examples  
 
Madeline (Person)

“Well, it certainly was my husband’s fault that the last
twenty-five years of my life have been so miserable!”






Answer ! 

Why did you choose to stay? Why couldn’t you take in any
of the nice things he did for you instead of only finding fault?
Why are you so filled with anger that he finds it impossible to
communicate with you?

David

“Well, it certainly was my son’s fault that I have gray hair,
from worrying about him.”


Answer ! 

Why didn’t you believe that he would find his own way?
Why did you always need to rescue him? Why did you make
him so much an extension of yourself that you expected too
much from him? Why couldn’t you just let him be who he is?

Tony

“Well, it certainly is the fault of the job market that I’m stuck in this lousy job.”
Answer 

Why can’t you see that others are finding jobs even if the
job market is so poor? Why are you not creating more
satisfaction in the job you already have? Why aren’t you even trying to find a new job? Why are you not asking for what you want in the job you are already in, instead of constantly
complaining that nothing is right? Why aren’t you committed
to doing the best you can do?
 Alice

“Well, it certainly is my children’s fault that I’m not
moving ahead in a career.”
Answer 

Why haven’t you noticed that others with children are going ahead with their careers, and that their children are doing fine? Why haven’t you taken up your husband’s offer to help you with the kids if you want to work? Why haven’t you made any effort to gain some skills that would really help you
get a job you would love?


.

2. Taking responsibility means not blaming yourself. I know this sounds contradictory, but it is not. Anything that takes away your power or your pleasure makes you a victim. Don’t make yourself a victim of yourself!
 
3.  Taking responsibility means being aware of where and when you are NOT taking responsibility so that you can eventually change.

 it's the story of Dr.Susan suffer

It took years before I realized that the place I played the victim role most often was with the men in my life. I remember many evenings of complaining for countless hours with my girlfriends about the grief the men in my life were causing me. Those “jerks,” as I so self-righteously called them, were
always doing something to take away my happiness. One was always late, one was incredibly stingy, one didn’t make enough money, one loved to play golf too much, one wouldn’t
get a divorce, and so on. I was able to build up incredible anger and resentment about them. Hours and hours on the phone of “Would you believe he actually … ” Naturally, my
loyal friends shared my drama as I shared their upsets about their men. It was a Moan and Groan Society. We never seemed to tire of each other’s stories. No wonder: we fed each other
the martyrdom we were obviously enjoying, and we always got to be right! The payoff was that we didn’t have to create our own happiness—we could simply blame men for not
giving it to us. During this time I was certain I was taking responsibility for my life. Just like my friend Mara, I was making a wonderful living, I had a great apartment, I was totally
“independent.” But I wasn’t taking responsibility for my life. I was still expecting the men in my life to “make me happy.” I finally learned there is really only one person in the world who can make me happy, and that is ME! Ironically, only through this realization was I able, for the first time, to have a
wonderfully nurturing relationship. Now I know that when I am angry at my husband, I simply have to ask myself, “What am I not doing in my life that I could be doing that I am blaming him for not doing for me?” (Read that one again!) I am now quickly able to tune into what it is. Either I’m being obsessive about money, or I’m feeling insecure, or I’m not creating enough activity for myself, or I’m
expecting him to make “all better” something I’m not handling, or whatever. Once I realize what I am doing, I can get into the task of correcting it. As I correct what needs to be handled in my life, all my anger toward others disappears. My daughter, Leslie, recently commented on how fantastic my marriage is. “Yes,” I said, “it’s amazing how perfect Mark becomes when I stop
expecting him to handle my life!” This is not to say that you aren’t entitled to have your basic
needs met by your partner—the need to be supported in your growth, the need to be nurtured at times, the need to know there is caring on your spouse’s part—but when you are not handling your life, no amount of caring and nurturing is enough. You become a bottomless pit. The man in your life
could stand on his head for you, as some of the men in my life
tried to do, but it is never enough. I might add that if someone is not supplying your basic
needs to be nurtured and loved, certainly you would serve yourself by leaving. But first you must ask yourself, “Is it that (s)he is so terrible, or is it simply that I am not taking responsibility for my experience of life?” If you are satisfied that you simply do not choose to spend your life with this person, then it is also taking responsibility to move on with the
intention of finding a more compatible partner. One clue that you are truly taking responsibility is when you feel little or no anger toward this person. You realize that you chose to be there in the past and you are now choosing to leave. Nothing is the other’s fault. (S)he is doing the best (s)he
can given her (his) level of personal growth. Anger is your clue that you are not taking responsibility.
Relationship with another is only one area where you can give away your power. It is important to look at all other areas of your life as well, to determine where you are not taking responsibility. Your clue will be any one of the following
signs:
anger
impatience
upset
joylessness
blaming others
fatigue
pain
attempting to control others
lack of focus
obsessiveness
self-pity
addictions
envy
judgmentalness
helplessness
disappointment
constant state of limbo
jealousy

This is not a complete list, but you get the idea. Whenever you feel any of these, determine what you are not doing in your life that is causing the telltale sign. You will be surprised how easy
it is to locate where you are abdicating responsibility.

4. Taking responsibility means handling the Chatterbox. 
This is the little voice inside, the voice that tries to drive you crazy— and often succeeds! I’ll bet some of you don’t even know it’s there (I was shocked when I became aware of it), but I promise you it holds the key to all your fears. It’s the voice that heralds doom, lack, and losing. We’re so used to its presence we often don’t even notice it is talking to us. If you
are not aware of your Chatterbox, it sounds something like
this:
If I call him maybe he’ll think I’m too pushy, but maybe
if I don’t call him, he’ll think I’m not interested. But if I
call him and his message machine is on I’ll wonder where
he is and it will ruin my whole evening because I’ll know
he is out with another woman, but if I don’t call I’ll
wonder anyway. Maybe I shouldn’t go out tonight. He
might call and then he’ll think I’m out with someone else
and he’ll think I don’t care. But if I call he’ll really know
I’m interested and he’ll probably start backing away from
me. I wonder why he hasn’t called. Maybe I was too cool
this afternoon when I bumped into him at lunch. Maybe I
should have been warmer. I wish I’d been wearing
something more attractive. I look so fat in this outfit. And
my makeup was terrible. He seemed a little cool. I
wonder if it was because he heard I went out with Allen
the other night. Well, I don’t think he should expect me to
sit home every night and wait for him to call. He has a lot
of nerve if he expects that. The next time I see him I’ll
ask him why he hasn’t called. We were supposed to go to
the movies this week, and he didn’t even remember. I’m
going to confront him with his lack of responsibility. I
won’t be judgmental, but I’ll certainly let him know how
I feel … .
Or this:
I’m really angry at my boss for not including me in the
meeting this morning. He really doesn’t appreciate all the
work I do for him. The others spend their day loafing and
they get invited to the meeting. Maybe I’ll try loafing and
see if he likes that better. It really doesn’t pay to give
your all to a job. You never get rewarded for all the hard
work. It just pays to be a big manipulator, like all the rest.
An honest hard worker is just not appreciated anymore.
I’ll show him. I’ll look around for another job. But the
job market is so lousy right now, I’d never find anything.
I wish I had completed my master’s degree—then I’d
have a better chance. I’m really stuck here … no one is
hiring people over forty anymore. It’s all in who you
know. If my parents had had money, I would have been
able to socialize with people who have some clout. I
really feel used. I can’t believe they excluded me from
the meeting. Who does he think he is? This kind of thing
always happens to me 
.
No wonder so many of us hate being alone and can’t be in a room without turning on the radio or television for company. Anything to escape such insanity! Be assured that this
“insanity” seems to be an unavoidable phase in the growth process. We are all victims of our Chatterboxes at some point in our lives.
 
5. Taking responsibility means being aware of payoffs that
keep you “stuck.
” Payoffs explain why we choose to perpetuate what we don’t want in our lives. Once you
understand payoffs, your behavior will make much more sense to you. Let me give you a few examples.JeanJean was feeling horribly stuck in her job and wanted
desperately to get out. She viewed herself as a victim. Poor
Jean! Her Chatterbox constantly played the “if only” game. If
only the job market were a little better, she wouldn’t have a
problem. If only she had better skills, there would be more
opportunity. What was really keeping Jean at her job? What
were the payoffs?
By remaining a victim, Jean had clearly become
comfortable. She didn’t have to face possible rejection in her
search for a new job. Although she hated her job, it was easy.
She knew she could handle it; she didn’t have to question her
competence. She put in her hours and didn’t have to expend
any additional energy. And the job was relatively secure.
Once Jean became aware of all her payoffs, she had at least
three choices. The first was to stay where she was and
continue to be miserable. The second was to stay where she
was and choose to enjoy her job. The third was to choose to
find a more satisfying job.
What did she ultimately do? After recognizing the payoffs
for what they were, she was able to break away and find a new
job. As long as she was in the victim mode, she was stuck. As
soon as she realized she was choosing to stay because of the
payoffs, and not because of her “if only”s, she was able to
move.

Kevin

Kevin had been separated from his wife for five years.
Although he had found someone else he wanted to marry, he
was not able to tell his wife and children that he wanted a
divorce. When the new woman threatened to leave, he sought
professional help. The “victim” story his Chatterbox was
telling him was that his wife would kill herself, his children
would never talk to him again, and his parents would disown
him. Poor Kevin! He really believed all this on a conscious
level and was paralyzed with guilt.
With the help of a therapist, it did not take him long to see
that the real problem was his own fear of letting go. Though he
no longer loved his wife, she unconsciously represented a
psychological “place to come home to,” and he was frightened
to sever the tie permanently. That was his payoff for staying
stuck.
As soon as Kevin was able to see that his own irrational
fear was stopping him, he immediately started proceedings to
divorce his wife. Naturally, his wife did not kill herself, his
children never stopped talking to him, and his parents didn’t
disown him. They wondered what had taken him so long! The
point is that once he recognized that his payoffs were the
reason he was choosing to remain in the marriage, his guilt
disappeared and he was able to take action.

You can see the power that hidden payoffs can have in our lives. They are not difficult to discover
once you realize they exist. It’s simply a matter of sitting down with a pencil and paper and listing them. Sometimes they are obvious to others, but masked from your own vision. If you can’t find them, ask a friend to help. You might be surprised to discover that your friends know more about your motives than you do

6. Taking responsibility means figuring out what you want
in life and acting on it. Set your goals—then go out and work
toward them.Figure out what kind of space you would like to live in …
then create it. It doesn’t take a lot of money to create a
peaceful, loving home for yourself.
Look around and see who you would love to include in
your circle of friends … then pick up the phone and make
plans to get together. Don’t sit around waiting for them to call
you.
Check out your body. Determine what you need to do to
create what looks and feels healthy … then make it happen.
Most of us do not “sculpt” our lives. We accept what
comes our way … then we gripe about it. Many of us spend
our lives waiting—waiting for the perfect mate, waiting for the
perfect job, waiting for the perfect friends to come along.
There is no need to wait for anyone to give you anything in
your life. You have the power to create what you need. Given
commitment, clear goals, and action, it’s just a matter of time.


7. Taking responsibility means being aware of the
multitude of choices you have in any given situation.
 One of my students put it this way: “From the time my alarm clock rings, I have an hour and a half alone and I realize it’s all up to me what the day is going to start like. It’s up to
me whether I’m going to open the shades and let the light in or mess around in the dark. It’s my choice to lie in bed and say ‘Yuck, I don’t want to get up and go to work. I didn’t finish the report I’m supposed to have ready today.’ Or it’s my choice to
lie in bed and give myself positive self-talk and look forward
to the coming day. It’s my choice to put the music on, dance
around the apartment instead of putting on the negativity of
the news or listening to my negative Chatterbox … . It’s up to
me whether I’m going to worry about how my body is not in
shape or whether I’m going to tell myself I am in the process
of creating a great body. The whole day is up to me!”
As you go through each day, it is important to realize that
at every moment you are choosing the way you feel. When a
difficult situation comes into your life, it is possible to tune in
to your mind and say, “Okay, choose.” Are you going to make
yourself miserable or content? Are you going to visualize
scarcity or abundance? Are you going to put yourself down for
getting angry with your husband or are you simply going to
notice what insecurity you were feeling at the time and discuss
it with him? The choice is definitely yours. Pick the one that
contributes most to your aliveness and growth.
Here are some other kinds of choices:

Your friend decides not to go with you on the trip you had
planned together. You’re really angry … . OR … You
understand she has her reasons, and you find someone
else to share the trip, or you go alone and have a ball!
Your husband is an alcoholic. You spend your whole
life trying to change him or scold him … . OR … You
attend Al-Anon meetings and learn to change yourself.
Your flu has caused you to miss the big meeting you
were scheduled to attend. You are sure this means the end
of your whole career … . OR … You realize you have
limitless ways of creating a successful career for yourself.
Your visit to sunny California is filled with torrents of
rain. You lament your bad luck for the entire trip … . OR
… You find ways to make it a great vacation anyway.

By now you can really see that the choice is yours. As you
continue to read, you will further your ability to place yourself
on the upside of any given situation. Keep in mind that this
way of thinking doesn’t excuse inappropriate behavior on the
part of others in your life. It simply allows you to have a more
satisfying life. Fully taking responsibility for your experience
of life is a long process that requires much practice
 

Source : Feel the fear and do it anyway
              By Susan Jeffer.